Death and the Dying

So morbid...I know, but death is a part of life.

It seems that things need to die to give way to fresh, new life.  It doesn't seem like it ever at first, but when we get past the pain of the loss, we can take notice of good things.

I die every time I say goodbye to my kiddos.  Every. Time.  It kills me to be away from them.  It's not right and not natural for it to be this way.  I break down.  I cry.  I don't eat.  I eat too much.  I have trouble sleeping.  I get urges to spend money I don't have.  But...I can't let myself go like that!  I still have to get up and do what it takes to take care of myself and them when they come back.  It is when I get out of wallowing and self-pity (and realize that God's got everything in His hands, under His control, for His glory), I can see the blessings.

I have the ability to work harder than ever to provide a better life for them.  I have more time to really study God's Word, so that I can relay it to them and answer their questions.  I am being built up.  Becoming better than I was so that I can be better for them.  I learned so much about myself, my ex-husband, and the world around me.  I still hate it, but I can see how much stronger I am for them now than I ever was.

I experienced the death of my relationship this weekend.  I was in a relationship for a year and was hoping to move forward toward marriage.  That hope was killed just Friday.  I would have to say for the first time, I found a man of integrity.  I have renewed hope that there really are good guys out there (so I don't have to worry as much when my daughters are old enough to look for husbands).  It wasn't a bad breakup, but a breakup isn't my idea of a good thing, either.  I have unanswered questions.  I have things I would like to say.  However, I can't stay there.

I will probably be mourning for a little while, but I'm trying to keep in mind that everything happens for a reason.  Perhaps what I was hoping for was not what I needed.  Rather than speculate how I ruined the relationship or what he could have done differently, I need to keep my focus on the fact that everything is in God's timing, under His plan.

I don't know how many times I have stated that I'm constantly reminded that I'm not in control.  No matter the plans I make for myself, God always thwarts them and puts something else in place.  It kills me every time!  I guess you could say, I'm always dying....

But the more I die to myself, the better.  I don't really like the process, but I totally appreciate the outcome.  We are called to take up our crosses and follow Jesus.  That means we are letting go of everything we hold dear.  Everything.  Not saying you should just break it off with everyone in your life, get rid of all your stuff, commit suicide....  I'm saying that we cannot rely on anything of this world.  We cannot put our trust in treasures that will rust and decay.  We are to store up treasures in Heaven.

Your life is but a vapor.  It'll be over before you know it. How you spend your afterlife is determined by what you loved in this life. In order to truly live, you have to die.  Deny yourself and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.  He will keep you in perfect peace.

Fall Out of the Gap

Hey.

So that time frame between April and August, I usually disappear then reappear with some excitement and some "new direction", right?

Well...not this time!  Ha!  Actually, I was just noticing that I tend to take long hiatuses (is that a word?!) due to my clones' visitation.  We had an awesome summer.  We had such good times. I didn't want it to end.  I never do.  No matter how many times we have to do it, it's always a devastation sensation for me to say goodbye to them.  I know it's not really a goodbye.  It's more of a see you soon.  However, it really just tears me up.

I am doing this now that I'm out of the fun gap of awesome times with my kiddos. I've been invited to do a 5k.  Now if you know me...you know I don't run.  I'll play sports that require running and whatnot, but I just don't get up and say, "hey, I think I will run with nowhere in particular to go for a long period of time."  That just seems pointless to me.  However, I've been doing just that.  I have less than a month to go from couch to 5k (there is an app for that...but I'm not using it).  I don't think I'll be able to run the whole of it by then, but I'll be able to run a good bit of it, so I will definitely be able to finish it in under 2 hours (^_^).  It should also be fun.  It's the Electric Run.  The end of this month.  Good luck to me!

I seem to be at another crossroads with my housing situation.  After my rent was jacked up a few months ago, I decided it was time to move.  I found a cheap rental and then they lowered my rent.  So, I decided to stay.  Well, it seems they jacked it up again.  Only this time, I don't have any affordable options to look at.  A good friend did offer a place to stay for a few months, but I'm not sure if that will be more helpful in my current situation.  I'll have to think pretty hard (but not too long as the offer is good till December).

In the meantime, I do have some projects that I want to get underway.  I have to clean my whole house (the norm after the kiddos return to Florida).  I'll be getting back into crocheting and knitting (hopefully) very soon.  I can't wait to make a pair of socks.  And I'll also be looking into some extra-curricular financial ops to help pay off my debts faster.

Perhaps next time, I'll talk a bit about some of them.

In the meantime, check this out:

 I found a pair of these puppies at the thrift store!  That's right!  Doing a sport of any kind will get expensive.  You need good quality gear to minimize injury and maximize comfort and ability.  Running is no different.  Good quality shoes can run you over $100.  Decent ones at least $50.  Special needs won't help your situation.  I've got flat feet, so I knew that I needed to find something with good arch support.  I decided to go to the thrift store (because I'm poor).  I don't see spending more than $20 on anything.  I'm also a big-foot.  I wear size 11 in women's.  After not finding any tennis shoes in my size, I decided to check the men's shoes out.  I knew they wouldn't be cute...but I needed something that would work well.

These were the best looking shoes in the right size.  $12.99 (much better than $60).  After doing some research, I found out they are unisex and they've got raving reviews (even from flat-footed folks).  This was truly a miracle.  And I'm so thankful for them.

I'm going to run now (pun intended).  I actually can't wait to get back to the track (unusual for me).  Have you decided to do something that just isn't you?  Have you recognized a miracle in your life lately?

Until next time...!