Poverty in the United States

I had the pleasure of watching Queen of Katwe on Netflix recently.  It was an excellent movie.  It also made me think about poverty around the world.

In Queen of Katwe, you get a glimpse of life in a Ugandan ghetto.  I can't believe that residents have to pay rent for some of the so-called homes they lived in.  One room, dirt floors, and no proper windows and doors.  Not to mention the hot temperatures of Africa.

Poverty in the US looks a lot different than poverty in other countries.  Our poor can still get a free education, might have cars (or at least access to transportation), and can still have access to clean water and fresh food.  We have programs that will help people to get back on their feet and special housing assistance to cut down on homelessness.  I can't say that we don't have people in this country who live in unsanitary conditions.  I can't even say that we don't have people who are without food and clean water.  I am saying that poverty just isn't the same here.

Another thing that I have noticed was that women the movie who had extra money were more likely to have their hair done (be it braids, straightened, wigs, etc) and those who did not have the money typically wore their natural hair very short.  While a woman's hair in the US does not necessarily indicate wealth or social status, any and all styles may be achieved even if you have a small income.  Hair products are readily available for a variety of budgets and some products are considered personal necessities.

Nice clothing is another item that can be achieved here with little money.  Thrift shops, consignment stores, Freecycle, or clearance racks at big box stores offer so many options.  I personally rarely buy clothing from big box stores.  Most of my wardrobe was handed down or purchased from thrift stores.  For some who struggle to even shop in a thrift store, there are charities available that help to provide clothing.  There is no excuse for not having clothes here, while in other parts of the world some families go without clothing or even shoes.

I have to say that we really should consider the blessing it is to be in the United States.  We have access to so much.  It is even to the point where even the poor here can give to charity to help others around the world.  When your children grow out of their shoes and clothing, they can be donated.  Toys can be donated. If it's time to get a new pair of glasses and you still have the old frame, they can be donated. Certain household items may not go around the world, but they can also make an impact in the life of someone here in the States.  Bibles can also be purchased very cheap and shared (even dollar stores have Bibles for purchase).

There really is an abundance of resources here.  While I do not believe that everyone is meant to have the same things (not the same amount of money or lifestyle or opportunities), I do believe that we should all be content where we are (a future post will expand on this) and be willing to give regardless of financial status.

The Mother Of Days

I have a certain discontent feeling about the Mother's Day. I don't believe I'm the only one. I'm sure women who have miscarried or who are unable to bear children or those who have lost their children through nightmarish means understand (to varying degrees) this feeling.

I don't get to raise my children. I don't get to hug them daily or tell them good morning daily. I get to watch them grow from afar as if they never belonged to me, but I still get the privilege to partake somewhat in their beautiful little amazing lives.

Even if things were different, Mother's Day wouldn't be a time for me to gloat in my fertility. No. I would still not get so excited about it as I'm more thankful for the blessings my children are to me, rather than my so-called right to be a mother. I do love to remind my mom that I'm glad she gave birth to me, though!

To the "Happy Mother's Day!" I respond with a "thank you," but I say in my heart "for what?" I gave birth. Yeah. But the real happiness comes from seeing what God has in store for my babies in the future.

I don't have the joy and pains of fully raising my kiddos, but I can't forget God's grace for their lives.

To those mothers who cannot bear or have lost their babies, I mourn with you and I pray for you. I also pray for mothers who have theirs. Some of us have been raised without a mother. We all need prayer. We also need to be reminded that all things happen according to God's perfect plan. Even the hurt and wrongdoings of others help to grow us.

I'm truly thankful that God is my all. He truly knows how I feel. Only He can turn my sorrow into praise. I hope that He will do the same for you.

Do Dump Trucks Come in New???

I know a lot of things about dump trucks. You never want to be behind one, as they are ever so slow to get up to speed. They have like 60 gears and a switch for even more shifting action.  They haul a whole lot of stuff.  They're often found hanging around construction sites.  They're always very dirty and usually pretty dinged up.

Something that I've realized is that...I don't think I've ever seen a brand spanking new dump truck!  Do they even exist? Or maybe when you go to pick one out, you sign the paperwork and receive your key...BAM! it ages about 15 years as you pull out of the lot?!  I'm sure there is a "brand spanking new" dump truck salesman reading this and contemplating ways to hush me up, now that I think I may have figured out the secret.

Life is a lot like this, though.  How often do I sit back and realize that I missed something along the way and I can't figure out how I got here.  What happened?  Should I have seen this coming?  I've been doing a lot of contemplating lately.  We're in a tough spot right now.  I would love to have a dump truck right now that could just haul away the junk in our lives (and by "junk" I mean all the things that are making me sad right now) to a far, far away place.  Someplace where it will be blown up or buried (maybe blown up then buried?), never to be seen again.  Replaced with something new and useful. Something that I can feel better about.

I know that my heart is an idol factory, just like everyone else's (ya feel me, or nah? Actually, we could discuss that one later....).  I want to be able to rest in something tangible.  I like knowing that bills will be paid because we have enough money to pay them.  I don't like not knowing if rent next month will even get paid.  I like knowing that our jobs are secure and we can count on them.  I don't like wondering "how long will this last?".

I know what I should be doing...and I feel like it should be easy.  How can I put my trust in God, when I could be homeless, jobless, foodless, clothless, etc-less?  What does it mean to "be still"?

God brings each of us to this point (of course "this point" is different for each of us) in order to bring us closer to Him.  When we are at the point where we can no longer do for ourselves, we should be looking to Him.  Of course, that doesn't always happen (not for everyone and not usually right away)...we start working harder, take on 15 more jobs, go to other people or things for comfort and reassurance, but ultimately when you're broken, that's when you're supposed to remember that God is the one who has everything under control.  Not you.  Not ever you.

Proverbs 19:21 - [There are] many devices in a man's heart; nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand.

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

Joshua 1:9 - Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God [is] with thee whithersoever thou goest.

I don't know if I could be righteous like Job was in his sufferings (and I think he suffered way more in his life than I probably will), but I'm so thankful to be reminded that I don't have to be down in the dumps (ba dump cha!) because my God is God and He's all-powerful.  My mountains are just dinky little situations to Him. They are but a few grains of sand in His universe-sized dump truck (did I take the analogy too far?).

I must though, I can't wait to see where all this is going!  Whoo-wee!  I'm looking forward to eternity.

Romans 8:28 - And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to [his] purpose.
Matthew 19:26 - But Jesus beheld [them], and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.

A New Beginning

I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm not always that great with coming up with titles for these blog posts.  Sometimes, I have such a brilliant idea, that I can't wait to crank out that corresponding chunk of my present life.  Usually, I struggle to find a meaningful short description.  This one is one of the usuals...

After two months of being abandoned  lovingly left behind by my new husband as he journeyed to the state from whence we came, my knight is returning.  After the week in the hospital (back in early August) and being unable to work for that time, my Lu decided that he should return to Maryland for a few months to earn money so that we could get caught up and perhaps ahead on our bills.  The decision was not easy, nor was it hastily made.

It was thrown out there by his previous boss that Lu could always go back to work up there.  He would make much more money for less hours than in this Sunshine State.  So, Sunday, August 16, he begrudgingly made his way back up north. After a few weeks, we caught up and eventually, I got my first paycheck from my new job.  Expecting his DOT card to expire at the end of this month, he figured he would be able to come back the first week of November.  Well...that dang ol' thing expired much sooner than he thought, so he's been sentenced to light service for the past couple of weeks instead of the glamorous duties of a tow truck driver.  We had gotten caught up...now we are again barely making it (as I don't make enough...and won't make enough...to cover everything).

Add to that me having to pay child support to my ex-husband...we need to have a couple of miniature meltdowns these days.  The good news is that while this is going to get rather uncomfortable real soon, we know this isn't the end.  This isn't going to be our life forever.  This is just a rough patch.

As I type, Lu is on the road returning back to me.  Once he gets here, I'm going to give him lots of kisses...then let him sleep.  He will get back to applying for jobs and maybe start working with a temp agency until he gets going in a full-time job.  I hope that he can work with the school buses like me, but we will have to see what our Mighty God has in store for Lu's career.

I feel like we are starting over.  Like this is a new beginning.  A fresh, new life.  There is so much that I hope for as I anticipate my partner in crime's return.  The kiddos will be so excited to see him again.  Now someone else can wash those dishes for a change...I mean...now we can go back to being a family. ^_^

The Struggle is REAL But so is Perseverance

Times is crazy!  We've had rainfall every day for a month.  This week was so bad we had flooding in our parking lot on Monday.  The row of houses nearest to the lake actually got water inside their homes.  When I left home for work that morning, water was high enough to almost reach the bottom of our cars.  I was allowed to go home early to check the status of my home.  I figured if the rain would keep up as it was for a couple of hours, I would have flooding inside.  Several roads on the way home were closed and could not be safely driven.

I intended to stop at a Dollar Tree to pick up some cheap supplies, but that parking lot was flooded.  Stopped in a Dollar General instead.  A couple jugs of water, some canned foods, and a cute lantern later I was heading home.  By God's grace the water didn't get inside the house, but the electric company called to inform us that they would be shutting off our power.  Boo!

Many neighbors decided to take shelter at a local church.  I didn't want to go.  I wanted to be home, with power.  I was able to take a hot shower (apparently our hot water heaters can keep the water hot for up to three days). And using the lantern I had light.  I used the laptops to keep my phone charged.  Lu was out that night working.  He was pretty busy, as you can imagine.  No rest for the weary. I got up to go to work Tuesday and Lu got home sometime after.  He got a hotel room and slept there during the day.  We stayed the night and our power was turned back on around 9:30 pm.

Lu needs another job.  He's been working such long hours with this tow company, so he doesn't get much rest.  Wednesday, he could not go back to work due to dizziness.  Obviously, you can't drive if you're dizzy, so towing cars is out of the question.  We went to the hospital Wednesday afternoon only to have him stay and get admitted for having a stroke. He's still there now, was told that he could be discharged yesterday, but because of some kind of complications with the insurance, he can't go.  The kiddos and I will go visit him again today.

Lu and I have been in Florida together now for over a month.  Job situation is still the same, but there is some hope on my part.  I am working regularly at a shipping warehouse through Labor Ready and will get to remain there until I'm ready to start school bus training.  In the meantime, I need to study to pass the CDL tests to get my permit so I can attend the class.  Unfortunately, Lu's job doesn't seem to be sympathetic or understanding of his situation.  We have so many things to work out.  Jobs. Insurance.  Paying our bills.  The list goes on.  We have been seriously feeling like returning to Maryland, where we have support and would be able to return to the jobs we had before and actually survive.  The reason we are in Florida are to be with the children.  Perhaps because of this reason, we will be facing an uphill battle.  We definitely know that this is not as good as it gets.

Hard Day's Work = Good Night's Sleep

Well, I'm employed....sort of!

Tuesday, I decided to apply to Labor Ready. Wednesday, I had an interview.  Thursday, I started working!

Labor Ready is a temp agency for day labor.  Basically, You show up in the morning and see if they have a job for you, based on your skills.  Labor Ready mainly deals with construction job contracts, so they want people with construction-type skills.  They do the best they can to match you up with jobs that can use your skill set.  They only pay minimum wage, but it's a paycheck if you're desperate for work and don't mind working hard to earn it.

That being said, I have no skills in construction.  I watched my dad repair/replace things around the house.  He's done roofing, drywall, etc, but I have not.  I have been applying to lots of jobs since before I've moved to Florida and no one wants to hire me.  One of the reasons is for fear that I will decide to move back to Maryland (which apparently is something that happens often down here).  Right now, is considered the slow season, so places aren't as busy with customers or clients.  Places aren't hiring too much right now.  On top of that, they don't pay as well as what I'm used to seeing in Maryland.

Why would I sign up for day labor?  Well, I applied on Tuesday and started working on Thursday.  I got paid at the end of the day.  That's money that I can immediately put into savings or my gas tank or toward a bill.  I've been trying for over two months to make an income...'nuff said?!  I don't see this as something that I would do or recommend full-time and long-term.  You don't know what kind of job you will end up doing and it will be seriously hard work.

My first day, I showed up to the office around 5:45am (they open at 5:30) and signed in.  There are a lot of people also standing/sitting around waiting for work.  One of the receptionists called me over and asked me if I had any skills or experience with construction.  I told her no.  All my skills are in office work. She asked if I had any experience in a warehouse.  I said in the office part of the warehouse.  She asked if I understood that they mainly deal with construction companies.  I said yes, I knew.  After almost two hours, I was feeling discouraged, thinking that there would be no work for me that day, but I was called to go to a warehouse with two other people.  Yes!  I was sent to work with a company that makes kitchenware.  My job was to help with building boxes and stuffing them.  They needed help at their other warehouse to sweep the concrete dust from newly drilled holes for their shelving.  I was sent that way.  I swept all day for two days straight!  The level of pain from sweeping was unimaginable!  I think I would be in better shape if I had gotten to stay with the boxes!

Needless to say, at the end of the day, it was good to receive pay.  I felt accomplished, useful, and that I was doing something to take care of my family. Except, I have not cooked for the last couple of days!  Hubby Boo and I have have been walking funny around the house together and massaging each others legs.  Oh boy!  He said to me last night, "I don't like you doing manual labor."  Love him so much! I don't like it either, but at the end of the day money was made and a bill was paid.

This weekend, I get to rest up (have a Mary Kay party to go to this afternoon) and see about what they'll find for me next week (if I can last that long!).  I want to stick this out until I start driving school buses (if they'll have me) and perhaps I will find something that I can do on the side from home (like Arbonne and/or making and selling my own crafts).

Come What May, or June, or July...

In the fantastical world of Mo, we experience a myriad of situations and emotions.  These situations range from low-stress to "please, get me out of here!"  Thankfully, I haven't reached the point of wanting to get away.  These last couple of months have been busy. I spent a good portion of May unpacking and getting the house set up.

During the end of May and beginning of June I experienced a series of "noes" as I searched for employment.  I was so certain that I would be able to find a job (even working in retail or fast food).  Well, Florida goes by a different book.  Office administration jobs in Maryland are more difficult to secure in Florida.  There are more people competing for these jobs and the wages are not at all comparable. What one would make in an office setting down here, one would make in fast food up there.  One retail job I came across that paid more than what I was making in Maryland was Hobby Lobby.  According to their website, their full-time hourly positions start around $15 (I believe that is nationwide).

I gave up looking for employment (for a little while) and drove up to Maryland with the kiddos for the wedding (which happened on my birthday) in the middle of June.  We had a lovely wedding.  Was a great display of love.  The church had every detail sorted out.  Everyone was so eager to contribute.  I had no expectations (other than get married, hear the Word, eat food). I also didn't realize exactly how many details needed attention for planning a wedding. I don't think I could ever thank everyone enough (let alone repay) for what they have done for me over the years and for our wedding celebration.  I'm so glad we had a ceremony.  It was well worth it.  I'll blog about that one another time, though...

Fast forward to now.  We are in the middle of July.  When Lu came down after the wedding, he already had a job waiting for him.  He got to start working a week and a half after the wedding.  Now, I just need a job! I applied to many more places.  I finally got some positive responses!  Tomorrow is an interview for a temp agency of day laborers, and on August 5 I have a meeting for a school bus driving position.  Yay!

I have to say, I've been pretty stressed out about our financial situation.  I know...I should know better than to stress over that kind of thing.  God has always provided and I have never been without physical and spiritual needs.  I still get nervous when bills are past due and there is not enough income.  But on the bright side, I have been able to enjoy being at home (one place I don't ever really want to leave).  For the most part, I've kept it clean.  I've also gotten a chance to finish up some anime and Korean dramas...Soon, I'll be able to fill up my gas tank and fridge in confidence (I hope)!

Moving On

I made it to Florida last week!  My good friend Heidi and her awesome son Andrew drove all the way down here to help me move in to my new house.  Also my friend Patrick came up to help move everything inside the house.

I have quite a bit cut out for me.  As of today, I'm mostly unpacked.  The last little bit of things are kinda hanging around.  I just want to be finished unpacking!  But it has been a little over a week, so I'm trying to cut myself some slack (I'm mostly moved in).  All that's left is for me to get a job and get my license and registration changed to Florida.

The job thing hasn't been too much of a stress on me until today.  I've been applying like crazy online to numerous jobs.  There are a lot of administrative jobs in the area (where I know I will do well).  Today, I took the second part of my test for the Postal Service and I had a phone interview with another company.

I don't know about you, but I hate having to show how amazing I am.  Not that I don't think I'm a great person, it's just that I know that I'm not the best.  I'm okay with that.  I don't like the dog and pony show that must go on in order to find a job.  Many people enjoy the chase and the opportunity to shine, but not me.  It absolutely terrifies me. Check my employment history, ask me about it, call my old bosses.  You know as well as I do that I want to work for you because you'll be giving me a PAYCHECK so I can pay my bills.  I can only hope to like your company, as one can never really know until they start doing the job, right?

Well, I do understand that it takes quite a bit for employers to be as sure as they can before hiring someone. I'm not fantastic, but I will work.  And I will work diligently and thoroughly.  I don't have a whole lot of education after high school, but I'm a quick learner; something I don't know will not be that way for too long.

Okay...I know that whatever my new job will be will happen as God intends.  Look at everything else in my life up until now.  Moving to Florida has been completely unfathomable until now.  I'm here.  I'm not as close to the kiddos as I want to be, but I'm here.  I'm running out of money, but I'm here!  The next thing that comes will be right on time, just the way I need it to be. Just the way we all need it to be.

Time to move on to the next adventure ('cause really, you don't know what's coming up next until you get there and you have to take a journey to get there)!

Eye of the Beholder

I just realized how much I like beautiful handwriting.  There are few things that I like to just sit back and admire.  Handwriting is one of them.  I can't explain it.  I don't know where it comes from, but I remember learning to write.  I remember practicing to keep my writing neat and legible.  I remember some years later trying different types of handwritings.  I worked diligently to come up with beautiful characters to call my own.  I've changed my signature a couple times in my life.  I've actually helped people to create their autographs.  I invented my own alphabet.

Over time, I have learned that writing is becoming a lost art.  It does sadden me that hand writing is becoming obsolete.  Even still, there is a level of creative beauty that comes with the digital type. So many different font sets that mimic handwriting and calligraphy. It's about how you look at it, right?

What about life, in general?  How do we see it?  Some of us see it as precious.  Others see it as a kind of purgatory.  And still, there are other views on the purpose and meaning of life.

It boils down to the beholder.  You can choose to see the beauty in even ordinary things.  Or you can choose to overlook it and only see the sorrow.

What kind of eye do you have?  Or...what kind of eye would you like to have?  Would you be willing to work hard to change your perspective?

Take It Bit By Bit And Rejoice

Here we are in February of 2015.  I bet gym attendance is beginning to fizzle out around now.  We set some lofty goals for ourselves, sometimes, without considering our actual commitment or ability.  I usually don't set a resolution for the new year.  I don't get all bent out of shape about it, but I just don't worry too much about creating some high expectations without considering the work I will have to put in to carry them out.

I'm prone to clutter.  I'm likely to become overwhelmed.  So I try to just take things as slow as I can.  One step at a time.  I do get impatient and sometimes excited to start something new.  Then I realize that I didn't properly analyze fitting new plans into my life. This of course is after I've committed myself to a boat load of tasks.

I totally didn't get through the Gratitude Challenge...or the Before You Say Amen Prayer Challenge.  I've had so much going on already...I hadn't made time for anything else.  I'm in the process of trying to buy a house.  I'm now obligated to pay child support to my ex-husband. And I'm feeling fat...not getting enough to eat....am hungry all the time...and still have tons of weight I need to lose (you can't lose weight being hungry all the time...not good for you!).  And of course there is more...

The hardest thing for me to do right now, is find a balance.  Well, that's actually usually the hardest thing to do at any time!  Now having to pay child support, my ability to pay for housing is cut down to $200 a month!  Which means, unless someone helps me, I won't be able to pay for my mortgage or afford rent anywhere.  Well, I couldn't afford rent in this area to begin with, which is why I'm looking to purchase a very low costing home.

God is still very good.  All the time.  Regardless of my ex-husband's financial ability (which always seems better than mine for some reason), I have to pay. When two parents remain together, regardless of whether one or both are working, they are both providing support for their children.  It's not always monetary in that support, but what else is a "non-custodial" parent to do to provide regular support to the children they rarely see?  The easiest solution is to send money.  There are horror stories of parents getting taken advantage of by the other "custodial" parent.  People use their children to make the other parent pay exorbitant amounts of money...only to keep going to court to take more and sometimes the children actually don't directly benefit from that extra income.

I can't tell you that I was overjoyed with this decision by the court, but what can I really do?  I don't get to make any decisions regarding my children (not the court's decision, but my ex and his wife).  I don't get to see them in their daily lives with school and their interactions with their extended family (again, not directly the court's decision).  The most I can do is pray for them and make the most of the time we do get to spend together or over Skype.  Really, that's not being a parent.  However, being a parent is doing the best you can for your children with what you've got.

As far as my health goes...I don't know what to do.  I am really hungry all the time, no matter how much I eat.  For this reason, I thought about doing one of those meal replacement diets.  They are very good about making sure you are filling up and getting the vitamins you need.  Also, I would be more mindful of the types of snacks I am consuming.  And it can be done for a short time.  I think that would give me time to reevaluate my eating habits, do a little more research in order to plan/prepare accordingly, and have a regular exercise routine established.

It took me more than 4 years to gain 40 lbs.  I think once I get some good habits established, I'll be alright.  I've become less and less active over these years. So, I need to get moving again!  Also, my cardiologist told me that my heart is working too hard.  I need to get in shape to get my ticker back in order.  I'm going to start P90x today.  I tried it for 2 weeks before and noticed changes then....but I fizzled out.  I'll try it again! It's only for 3 months.  I hope to be moved into my new house by then and in better shape to explore my new neighborhood on foot.

As far as the house goes...I'm watching amazing things happen.  In spite of financial turmoil (just kidding.  It's bad, but not the end of the world).  I have options.  I don't have to just become a homeless lady (which would be my last resort).  If I can't buy a single family home (I've already been pre-qualified, but I will need down payment help), then I'm going for a mobile home.  Mobile homes don't take as long to move into, once you have been approved by the park.  I saw one for $10,000 at the end of last year (what a mortgage that would be!).  Factor in ground rent and the cost of a mobile home would be manageable for me.  I really want to avoid ground rent, if I can help it though.

In spite of all that I have going on, God has been faithful.  I am being reminded constantly that just because things haven't turned out the way I think they should, doesn't mean that it isn't to my benefit.  I also have to remember that I can't just take the good from God (which I don't deserve) and reject the bad (Job 2:10).

Some amazingly good things are happening (along with some amazingly bad things, but that's life, right?).  I'm working on getting a home. I'll be trying to stay on top of exercising regularly.  I'm learning so much (thank God).  Who's also to say that I won't be married by the end of this year....?  I'll save that for another post, though. ;)

Thankful For the Strength to Cry

I had started feeling tired in the middle of church on Sunday. Unusual because I had a good night's sleep Saturday. Monday, I could barely get out of bed. I had fought a fever all night and it prevailed in the morning. 102. Children's Motrin has been keeping it at bay, but only just so. A visit to the doctor and a chest xray. Pneumonia?

I really don't care what they want to call it. It's intruding!

I've been in bed since Monday evening. Keeping time with my meds. The cough is productive. Not excruciatingly painful. No sore throat (thank God! I hate sore throats). Tonight, I don't know if it was leftover sentiment from watching Little Women, but I cried. Like a baby. Only not so shrieky.

I prayed. Of course I want this to be over and done, but by God's Grace, I asked that I can be taught from this. And even if I had to endure fever for another week, that He would comfort me. Be careful what you ask for.

I swelled with emotion, thinking about why on earth would God choose to experience our sufferings. Of course, I deserve death itself, but He didn't do anything wrong. Then maybe I got a little shrieky in a whispering fashion (of course) when I realized that I even had the strength to cry.

I had been so weak these days that I really haven't been able to cry in anguish. I'm still fighting fever, but I am becoming less weak. I've been told by a few people that I look much better today (of course anything looks better than the corpse style I've been sporting as of late).

I know that meds will only do what God allows them to do. And I know that no matter what, He gets the glory. I hope that I can share that hope with you.

It's the Christmas season and we are all so busy. Busy forgetting that we have so much to be thankful for. Even the pain. We should be thankful for the pain on this side of Glory. God Himself chose to walk in my shoes and die the death meant for me so that I can be blameless in His sight and live life eternally with Him.

Thank God for the strength to cry today. It is temporary only for those whom He has called. They are the ones who bear  His name, seek to obey Him, and to share His love. The rest of the world won't get it until it's too late.

What day is it?!

Okay, so it's....uh....Friday?!

I started my gratitude challenge on Wednesday and didn't get to continue on Thursday. Heh.
This is how I commit.

Well, I'm going to double-up tonight.  I just got home from Bible study and I'm watching Frequency (good movie) with my foster family (;-P).  I'm also supposed to be doing 20 sit-ups, 20 toe touches, and 20 bicycles before I go to bed (my abs hurt just thinking about it).

So DAY 2 (should have been yesterday):

Use the alphabet as a fun and quick format for making a list of things for which you feel grateful. Share this list with your social network through email, a blog post or a Facebook or MySpace page.

I'm not sure how many things I am supposed to list...but here goes...

A: 
B: Brianna.  My second baby.  My good eater who will not starve to death, even if there was nothing but rocks to eat.  This girl is almost like my twin, but way more awesome and loving than I am.  She sacrifices for her siblings and even her parents.
C: Chocolate.  'Nuff said.
D: Divorce.  I know.  God hates it and so do I, but my divorce from my ex-husband has given way to tremendous growth.  I've learned only by God's grace to see myself as He sees me (as best I can) through the promises in His Word and by the work He's done through Jesus Christ.  I no longer crave the approval of the people around me, I've developed a voice, and I've discovered that I'm a precious jewel to Him.  I've also divorced myself and am made new in Christ Jesus.
E: Extended family.  My in-laws (or ex-in-laws?) are some really cool people.  I'm thankful to have become part of the family and that they still like me.  They have been a big part in the lives of my children.  I love them.
F: Fellowship.  I'm thankful for the friends and extended family that God has placed in my life.  I have grown immensely because of the encouragement and the fellowship.
G: Gardening.  I've not have some big crops, but I would love to keep at it with growing my own food.  Gardening brings about some good metaphors about life, too. Wheat and tare.
H: 
I: 
J: Jesus Christ.  He is the reason alone I can keep going.  When I tell people why I'm a Christian, I can't help but tell them that it's because when you compare all the gods out there and all the "great people," none compare to Jesus.  He is the only all-powerful being who would come down and walk more than a mile in my shoes, then take my death sentence so that I can be made pure and blameless.
K: 
L: The Lock-Mess family.  I don't know another group of people with such heart.  God has placed these people at the right time, it seems, in my life.  I have been so strengthened by them and feel that they are truly my family, too.
M:
N:
O:
P: Parents.  I'm thankful for my father and mother.  They didn't always do everything right (who does?), but they always did what they could and they are still going strong today.
Q:
R: Ryan Nathaniel.  Given the middle name Nathaniel because it means "gift of God,"  I will never forget the circumstances of his coming into the world.  In the midst of sorrow and confusion, God has shown mercy on me and blessed me with Ryan.
S:
T: Terri.  I'm totally thankful for my first baby.  Terri's personality is a bit different from mine, but she is my heart.  She demonstrates a strong desire to do more and to do it all well.  I look forward to continuing to nurture her.
U: Umbrellas.  I've come to appreciate the umbrella.  Now that I've gone natural, I sometimes straighten my hair.  When I do that, moisture is not my friend.
V:
W: the Word.  Without it, I couldn't know about Jesus.
X:
Y: Yarn.  So versatile.  I've learned to crochet, then started learning to knit (haven't yet gotten the hang of it), and I learned some other uses for yarn, that just make life so interesting.
Z: Zemma.  I'm not really thankful for this woman, but I'm thankful for the education I've received through my interactions with her.  I've grown to be a fighter.  I've learned that I will not back down when it comes to my children. I think in time, I will be truly thankful for her (and perhaps more gracious toward her), as I'm continuing to grow in my understanding of God's plan (which graciously includes our stupid mistakes).

Okay...I can't really think of any more with the remaining letters, but I'm realizing that I've got more to be thankful for than I thought.

Okay...onto...

DAY 3
Write about something you feel grateful for in your life today.

I'm thankful that I made it to Bible study tonight ^_^.  It's the little things...I know...

Well, that concludes the gratitude challenge activities for today (and yesterday).  If you are still reading, even after I posted so much, thanks.  I don't know why you keep reading my rantings, but thank you.  Tomorrow, I have a meeting in the morning, then Skype with the kiddos in the afternoon/evening.  Sunday, I've got an all-day affair with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.  Monday, I'm taking off work to head to the courthouse and file my response to Mike's petition for child support.  Yes, he is still trying to get me to pay him child support (this time, he may actually be in financial need).  I'm trying to be thankful for this, too, if you can imagine.  I'm not really in a position to maintain a home here (let alone, send money down there).  However, every decision I've made up to this point has been with my kiddos in mind.  I'm trying to find other sources of income so I can really provide for them...but...I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not really the provider (God, of course is).  

I can't wait to see what He does next!

The Gratitude Challenge

I was nominated by my sister-in-law, Kathy, on September 9th.  I finally remembered that I was committed to do this!

Over 30 days later, today I will start my 21-day challenge!

I'm looking to add some lifelong habits to my life.  I want to make a conscious change in my perspective.  I've been feeling like I don't have much to be happy or thankful for.  I know this is a straight up lie, because my God is God and He rules over my life.  Because of Him, I've made it through so much.

I think this challenging my gratitude will help me to focus more on the blessings that come through storms, tears, and pain.  I know that I'm being refined through the hardships, but I forget.  I keep forgetting that I am never forsaken or forgotten.  That everything works for the greater good.  I know the darkness of night comes before the morning light.  But I'm forgetful.  I'm just as bad as the apostles (who walked with Jesus, yet still struggled with unbelief at times) or worse sometimes.

I will also be starting the 4-week Before Amen prayer challenge (I'm waiting for my e-book to arrive in my email as I speak!).  There are several things I can see going horribly wrong in my life right now in my walk with Jesus.  I need to pray more. What kind of relationship can I say I have with God if I don't talk to Him daily?

So, in my efforts to saturate myself in His Word and communicate more with Him:

* Chronological Bible in a year reading plan: I've never read the entire Bible.  I should do this at least a few times in my life, right?  I'm about halfway through it now.
* 4-week Before Amen prayer challenge: To jump-start my prayer life and build my communication to God.  I can be awkward communicating with people, I should not be awkward communicating with God.
* The Gratitude Challenge: 21 days to focus on what's good, in spite of what's bad.
* 30 Days of Adoration: This will actually be done in the future with my children.  It's a free printable devotional.  I will take a look at it myself before I go at it with my babies.

I intend to get started here with these things and grow...

No matter how busy life gets.  However crazy it seems, I must make the time to devote to God.

Too Blessed to be Stressed

You know those memes, bumper stickers, t-shirts, etc. that say "too blessed to be stressed"?

Well, I hate them.

...and yet at the same time, they're not so bad.

I mean, think about it.  Where do we get to thinking that because we have blessings, we don't have stress?  I mean, come on!  Even the best vacation requires a lot of planning and attention to small details so that you can ensure your luggage doesn't end up in another location and you actually arrive at the right hotel.

What exactly is stress?  It's emotional strain that stems from demanding circumstances.  Basically, it could be anything.  It could even be something that you don't realize is happening to you.  I was diagnosed with panic attacks a few years ago.  I didn't even realize that I was under stress.  Boy, did my body know all too well!  It was then that I actually started to take a look at my life.  I saw where I had come from, what I was doing, and where I was going.  I realized that I really did have a lot on my plate!  It wasn't until I was made aware of what was going on, that I could properly deal.

Some stress is self-made.  Some stress is not.  But what about the blessings?  Do they counter the stress?  Well, maybe...

What is a blessing?  A blessing is God's providence.  He provides our needs (not us).  He sees to it that things happen, according to His plan, for our good.  That doesn't mean that we'll never face trials or feel pain.  Sometimes, we need those things.  They help to shape and grow us closer to Him.  Think about it.  If everything you did went right, would you learn anything?  I don't think so.  It's interesting how we learn when we make mistakes.  We tend to pay more attention to details when we risk getting hurt or screwing up a project big time.

Not Home Yet

Something we don't like to do as human beings is roam for too long.

Even the most vagabond-ish person, would like to have something stable and comfortable.  We all long for home.  I hate to break it to ya, but you're not home yet.

I just moved this past weekend from my house of 4 1/2 years to stay with a friend and her family.  You know all the complaints I've been doing about being able to afford my rent (in public housing, believe it or not) and save money.  A good friend of mine offered for me to stay with her, so that I could save money for a little while and get back out there again.

I've experienced a range of emotions in the last month.  I was distressed that my rent had spiked and I could no longer afford it.  Trust me, if there was any more cutting back I could do...I would have.  I have been operating on the bare minimum (with a couple very small unnecessaries).  The idea of moving from my supposed stable, government-funded home for that of uncertain future possibilities scares the crap out of me.

Did I really have to pack up a three-bedroom home and move into a room in someone else's home?  What about all the stuff that I've accumulated over the years?  It is true, that I started out with nothing. I've been working hard, and whatnot, but that really isn't the point.

The point is that this earth is not our final destination.  We're just passing through.  The pains joys of moving is one of those reminders that we will be given a home that we don't have to build.  You also can't forget that you're not in control anyway.

Trust me, if there is anyone that knows about control...it would be me.

Seriously.  Every time I think I've got this great plan...you know...the one that will finally work out.  Something changes.  Making me realize that no matter the plans I have for myself, I can't plan anything better than God.  It's true!

Death and the Dying

So morbid...I know, but death is a part of life.

It seems that things need to die to give way to fresh, new life.  It doesn't seem like it ever at first, but when we get past the pain of the loss, we can take notice of good things.

I die every time I say goodbye to my kiddos.  Every. Time.  It kills me to be away from them.  It's not right and not natural for it to be this way.  I break down.  I cry.  I don't eat.  I eat too much.  I have trouble sleeping.  I get urges to spend money I don't have.  But...I can't let myself go like that!  I still have to get up and do what it takes to take care of myself and them when they come back.  It is when I get out of wallowing and self-pity (and realize that God's got everything in His hands, under His control, for His glory), I can see the blessings.

I have the ability to work harder than ever to provide a better life for them.  I have more time to really study God's Word, so that I can relay it to them and answer their questions.  I am being built up.  Becoming better than I was so that I can be better for them.  I learned so much about myself, my ex-husband, and the world around me.  I still hate it, but I can see how much stronger I am for them now than I ever was.

I experienced the death of my relationship this weekend.  I was in a relationship for a year and was hoping to move forward toward marriage.  That hope was killed just Friday.  I would have to say for the first time, I found a man of integrity.  I have renewed hope that there really are good guys out there (so I don't have to worry as much when my daughters are old enough to look for husbands).  It wasn't a bad breakup, but a breakup isn't my idea of a good thing, either.  I have unanswered questions.  I have things I would like to say.  However, I can't stay there.

I will probably be mourning for a little while, but I'm trying to keep in mind that everything happens for a reason.  Perhaps what I was hoping for was not what I needed.  Rather than speculate how I ruined the relationship or what he could have done differently, I need to keep my focus on the fact that everything is in God's timing, under His plan.

I don't know how many times I have stated that I'm constantly reminded that I'm not in control.  No matter the plans I make for myself, God always thwarts them and puts something else in place.  It kills me every time!  I guess you could say, I'm always dying....

But the more I die to myself, the better.  I don't really like the process, but I totally appreciate the outcome.  We are called to take up our crosses and follow Jesus.  That means we are letting go of everything we hold dear.  Everything.  Not saying you should just break it off with everyone in your life, get rid of all your stuff, commit suicide....  I'm saying that we cannot rely on anything of this world.  We cannot put our trust in treasures that will rust and decay.  We are to store up treasures in Heaven.

Your life is but a vapor.  It'll be over before you know it. How you spend your afterlife is determined by what you loved in this life. In order to truly live, you have to die.  Deny yourself and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ.  He will keep you in perfect peace.

Fall Out of the Gap

Hey.

So that time frame between April and August, I usually disappear then reappear with some excitement and some "new direction", right?

Well...not this time!  Ha!  Actually, I was just noticing that I tend to take long hiatuses (is that a word?!) due to my clones' visitation.  We had an awesome summer.  We had such good times. I didn't want it to end.  I never do.  No matter how many times we have to do it, it's always a devastation sensation for me to say goodbye to them.  I know it's not really a goodbye.  It's more of a see you soon.  However, it really just tears me up.

I am doing this now that I'm out of the fun gap of awesome times with my kiddos. I've been invited to do a 5k.  Now if you know me...you know I don't run.  I'll play sports that require running and whatnot, but I just don't get up and say, "hey, I think I will run with nowhere in particular to go for a long period of time."  That just seems pointless to me.  However, I've been doing just that.  I have less than a month to go from couch to 5k (there is an app for that...but I'm not using it).  I don't think I'll be able to run the whole of it by then, but I'll be able to run a good bit of it, so I will definitely be able to finish it in under 2 hours (^_^).  It should also be fun.  It's the Electric Run.  The end of this month.  Good luck to me!

I seem to be at another crossroads with my housing situation.  After my rent was jacked up a few months ago, I decided it was time to move.  I found a cheap rental and then they lowered my rent.  So, I decided to stay.  Well, it seems they jacked it up again.  Only this time, I don't have any affordable options to look at.  A good friend did offer a place to stay for a few months, but I'm not sure if that will be more helpful in my current situation.  I'll have to think pretty hard (but not too long as the offer is good till December).

In the meantime, I do have some projects that I want to get underway.  I have to clean my whole house (the norm after the kiddos return to Florida).  I'll be getting back into crocheting and knitting (hopefully) very soon.  I can't wait to make a pair of socks.  And I'll also be looking into some extra-curricular financial ops to help pay off my debts faster.

Perhaps next time, I'll talk a bit about some of them.

In the meantime, check this out:

 I found a pair of these puppies at the thrift store!  That's right!  Doing a sport of any kind will get expensive.  You need good quality gear to minimize injury and maximize comfort and ability.  Running is no different.  Good quality shoes can run you over $100.  Decent ones at least $50.  Special needs won't help your situation.  I've got flat feet, so I knew that I needed to find something with good arch support.  I decided to go to the thrift store (because I'm poor).  I don't see spending more than $20 on anything.  I'm also a big-foot.  I wear size 11 in women's.  After not finding any tennis shoes in my size, I decided to check the men's shoes out.  I knew they wouldn't be cute...but I needed something that would work well.

These were the best looking shoes in the right size.  $12.99 (much better than $60).  After doing some research, I found out they are unisex and they've got raving reviews (even from flat-footed folks).  This was truly a miracle.  And I'm so thankful for them.

I'm going to run now (pun intended).  I actually can't wait to get back to the track (unusual for me).  Have you decided to do something that just isn't you?  Have you recognized a miracle in your life lately?

Until next time...!

Lunacy Averted?

There has been a lot happening over these last months and I do apologize for not posting as things progress, digress, regress, congress...etcetera-gress.

I'm increasingly excited and fearful as I continue my quest to get off of government assistance altogether and pay off my debts. I will not return to school to finish my degree until I have paid off my student loan debt (or down enough) so that I can go back debt-free.  I believe that God honors our desires to live free and not as slaves to money.  I have finally realized what it's like to serve money.  Not that I've been excited and desiring riches, but making poor financial decisions  in addition to choosing to pay off bills and credit debt before paying my tithes has caused me great distress and has trapped me.

I've also discovered (long time ago...kinda rediscovering now) that in order to get out of public housing, I need to do something drastic.  I mean drastic. Like hit the lottery.  Find a million dollars.  Marry a rich man.  You get the picture?  Small increases in income seem to spike my rent.  There is such a fine line between "help" and "no help" and I've seen it in a number of situations (not just in my own life).  For example: if you make $10,000 per year, you qualify for assistance.  If you make $10,001 per year, you don't.  Understand?  This is the very reason I have been so strapped for money.  There is no savings.  There is no budget for groceries.  There is also no true transition into independence.

My rent is currently double what it was 2 years ago when I made a little bit more money.  I cannot afford my rent today.  Why such a great change?  Well, my kids are no longer on my lease...and apparently I was getting about a 50% discount including allowances for paying for childcare.  Had I kept them on my lease, not only would I be able to afford my rent, but I would also have my debts paid off and some saving built.  I would also be in the running for public assistance fraud charges.  Well, if I can't keep them on my lease, would I get some help during the long stretch of time when they are here (for the summer)?  No.  Why, because they are not on my lease.  Well, isn't that dandy?!  I have nothing leftover as it is with rent and other bills at the end of the month, but I'm also not able to pay for childcare, which means if I can't find someone to watch them for free, I would have to take off work...

Don't get me wrong.  I've never come from the perspective that I'm owed anything, especially from the government.  But doesn't it make sense that if you're offering to "help" someone that I truly helps them?  I'm thankful for having a home of our own, in great times of need.  However, I have had more struggle being here than if I were elsewhere.  So what now?

I'm trying to move out!  I have to get out of here.  Save money.  Pay off debt.  I could even get a second job without the risk of my rent spiking again.  Where do I go?  I'm already paying below-market value in rent.  What could be cheaper?  Especially in this area?  A good budgeting practice is to spend no more than 30% of your income on rent/mortgage.  In areas of a high cost of living, up to 60% is apparently allowable.  This is why I think that people especially in these areas are living above their means.  In order for me to manage a 3-bedroom rental for $2000, I need to be making at least $80,000 per year (keeping with the 30% rule.  80,000 x .30 = 24,000 per year.  Divide by 12 months, you get 2,000 per month).

Since I'm not yet that close to the six-figure income, I will have to figure out how to reduce my rent and other bills.  I could live in my car.  A box near a park bench in the city. Or I could find a cheaper home.  I've done a lot of searching. Praying. Inquiring. More praying.  More searching.  I've found quite a few listings on Craigslist, hot pads, USAA, Realtor.com....and many others.  I've emailed several owners and got a few responses.  Out of all the listings I've scoured, I was responded to by 4.  Only one was legit.  The others were scammers, trying to obtain private information and/or money from me.  And yes, I have reported them. :)  It's really hard to find something that is waaaay less than $1,000 per month (for a studio even).  But I found one and got to see the house with the realtor on Saturday.

I'm currently waiting to hear from this realtor after they check my references, background, employment verification, etc.  Before deciding to apply, not only did I consider the rent amount (that was the first thing), but I looked at how far I would be willing to travel for work, whether or not there would be enough room for when the kids are here with me (at least 2 bedrooms would be nice), who would watch them and how would I get them there, and whether or not I would actually be saving money in this new home.  This home does have 2 bedrooms and a nearly finished attic (which could be a 3rd room).

I have had many questions and doubts about this home.  Let's list them and the solutions that have come up.

• Problem: It's an hour away, so gas would cost me almost double I'm paying now per month.
• Solution: There is a commuter bus that costs me less than what I pay for gas now and there is free parking.  Also, it doesn't take longer than if I drove myself.

• Problem: It's even further from church
• Solution: I would have saved enough money to cover gas for weekly church services.  Also, Friday night Bible study can be dialed into.

• Problem: Not close to friends/church family for help with sitting.
• Solution: Close enough to one family of friends who would be able to watch the kids when they are here. They are on the way to work and live not to far from my boss...we we can carpool when the kids are here.

• Problem: The house is smaller than the one I live in now.
• Solution: Less money goes to utilities.  I can get rid of unnecessary things that I've been hoarding protecting from the elements.

There are more.  But this list is long enough...I'll be able to actually start saving. I can't say how many times I've been afraid to venture off toward growth and independence.  Hence, staying in a job that was killing me (until I got fired).  Waiting until I'm in financial distress to get out and do something different.  Afraid to move out of my house because the world is cruel place.  The definition of lunacy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  I don't want to be a lunatic.

What Was Done

Christmas Eve this year contained some new experiences.  My kids hadn't come yet and I spent an entire night doing what seemed like defending myself...just to name a couple...

During this season, I reflect on the amazing gift that no other god would give to its people.  Jesus Christ is God, yet He chose to be born just like you and me, so that He could live out life (in our shoes), to show us how to live, and be murdered by us (and conquering death for us).  There is no other that would do what He did.  You can read all about His humble beginnings in Luke 2...keep reading through, you'll get through the rest of His life on earth, leading up to His death on the cross.  Answers In Genesis has a wonderful article about Christmas.

You want to know how to love?  Look at Jesus.  He sat with sinners and lepers.  The very people who were not righteous and were constantly reminded of their hopelessness and depravity.  He came to build a relationship with them and to give them a hope (that's not just a hope, but a promise of righteousness).  He died for them. He died for me.

I am a hopeless sinner.  I'm constantly reminded of my sins (both those long past and those more recent). Obviously, I have a track record of wrongdoings, but God made a way for me to live in peace.

I have been attacked regarding my transgressions and even told that there has been no change in me because of how recent some of those transgressions happened.  I'm sure you can relate to what it feels like to already have a guilt you carry.  I'm also sure you know what it feels like to have someone constantly throwing in your face what a screw up you are.  Pair those two together and you have a dangerous concoction that can really tear you down.

I've apologized and have been working on restoring soured relationships to no avail.  I cannot rely on the approval of man.  Those who have wronged me have fallen away.  Those I have wronged have fallen away...except for One (the One that really matters when all is said and done).  I don't need others to forgive me.  I need to forgive others and I need the forgiveness of God Himself.

What was done, was done and I can't change any of it.  I can't keep punishing myself for it when Jesus has forgiven it.  I cannot forget, because it is a reminder (a testimony) to the hope He's given to someone as hopeless as me.

You and I have to focus on what was done.  The gift that God has given. He paid the price for us, so that we can be restored.  We will have constant reminders of who the world thinks you are, but we have to continually remind ourselves of who God says we are. I have a post about shame from earlier this year.

Please reflect on the hope that has been given during this Christmas.  We celebrate, not for the feast, not for the time with family, but because it's personal. A gift you can count on.  What was done once will carry you through every part of your life.

Without Love, Where Would You Be?

I had a conversation recently with quite a few people about christianity. What makes it so wonderful? Why would I want my life run by a selfish God who gets all the credit for good things that happen? What if it's all a lie?
Well I'll tell you.
Before I do, I've got a question for you. Can you name one religion out of ALL the religions where the god would lay down his life for a bunch of ungrateful, sinful people?
It's ok I'll give you a few minutes to think about it...
Give up? Figured it out?
Yeah, there is only one. Christianity.  Call it what you want, fairytale, false hope, whatever. How many people do you know who will not only pardon a guilty convict on death row, but die in their place? I don't know anyone, and there are a lot of amazing people out there, but no one would do what God Himself did for me.
Every other religion calls you to do good things, or be punished. I know what you're thinking. "Well doesn't God want us to do good things, or He'll send us to hell?" He wants us to do good, but what you do has no bearing on the free gift of salvation. Remember, He died in my place, while I was still sinful and ungrateful. A gift is not something you earn. You just accept it.
What about the Ten Commandments? What about them? Have you been able to keep ALL of them perfectly? No worries, no one has. And there is no sin worse than another in God's eyes. If you break one, you're guilty of all of them (that includes whether you did it, talked about doing it, or even thought about doing it). No one can live up to such perfection.
If you think that's demanding, think about how Jesus sums up the law. He said to "...love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets." (Matthew 22:37-40 nkjv).
Bottom line is love, my friend. I certainly wouldn't take a punishment someone else deserves...and I call myself a loving, caring person, right?!  God can ask of us to love because He personally demonstrated how it's done.
And thinking about how selfish God must be because He gets all the glory. Well, nope not selfish at all. When you can create a universe out of nothing, live a 100% blameless life, eradicate the sins of others (without their approval or desire for it), and stick to all your promises, then you can get all the glory.
As for me, I would gladly give my life to Him because He deserves it and I do not. I try to do good, not because it's my guarantee into Heaven, but because I'm grateful to an all-powerful God who certainly didn't have to save me. I can only know how to love because He first loved me.
When you get that understanding (not just understanding, but belief), everything else will fall into place. Trust me on that. You won't know everything there is to know, but you'll be able to walk in confidence and grow beautifully.
If you have questions, want to know more, or want to debate, I don't mind really (actually, I don't like debating or arguing...but we can talk about our differences), feel free to contact me. My email address is ardentgailla@gmail.com. I would love to talk more about Jesus and His awesomeness.